The human craving for approval, played out in social media

I joined Facebook after I overhead a phone conversation between my son and daughter. My daughter was sitting next to me on the couch as she spoke to my son. They were catching up and swapping funny stories. Then I heard my son say to my daughter, “Hey, don’t tell Mom what I wrote on Facebook.”

I am not one to eavesdrop on a conversation, but when it begins with “don’t tell Mom,” I pay attention. Since I was already online, I thought to myself, “How hard could this be?” and I went to Facebook.com. Once I entered the world of social media, the first friend request I sent out was to my son, naturally.
A few hours later (before smart phones), my son responded, “No, you didn’t!” Emoticons weren’t really a thing then, so I replied, “You bet I did!”

He knew better than to ignore his mom’s friend request. Within a few days, I had my own Facebook friends and entered the whole new world of social media. My eldest daughter, who was still living at home, refused my friend request based on the premise that if we were living in the same house, we did not need to be friends on Facebook. I agreed both because I had no concerns for her online social interactions and because I knew she would be moving out before I really figured out how to use Facebook.

I grew into social media very slowly. In the early days, my husband and I and the kids held Facebook tutorial sessions in our home office. The sessions always ended in eyes rolling and heads shaking amidst laughter and discussions on limited profiles.

I quickly realized the vast potential for sharing resources and support with other parents of kids with special needs. When I started writing this column and doing more advocacy work, Facebook was a great way to share my writing with people who would probably never have read it otherwise.

Somewhere along the line, I discovered that LIKE button. It didn’t take me as long as my 80-year-old mother-in-law though. When Gramma started Facebook, she was quickly friended by all my kids and enjoyed seeing their pictures and reading their posts. When Gramma noticed all the thumbs up on her grandkids’ stuff, she took matters into her own hands and typed LIKE into the comment space. We all thought it was so cute that we didn’t want to tell her how to really “LIKE” a post on Facebook. Finally, my husband decided to share his Facebook knowledge with his mom. We really miss her LIKEs in the comment section!

While I mastered this expression of approval quickly, I was not prepared for the underlying effects it had on my own need for approval. The affects were subtle at first, a warm feeling when someone liked or shared a column I wrote or commented on a status. The support from friends near and far when we are dealing with a crisis is also a positive way I have experienced affirmation and approval on social media.

But gradually, I discovered this need for approval that I just didn’t “like” about myself. I started to recognize a nudging inside me. It’s kind of like the way my dogs tap my hand, with their wet noses, when they want food or attention. This nudging was coming from a need for approval of my work and a validation of my opinions.

Those who know the life I live and the stuff I write about might find this quite funny. My greatest concern is to live my life by principles of faith and to love others as God has loved me. I don’t often make popular decisions. I’m usually swimming against the tide.

So why the heck do I care if social media likes me or not? I guess because I’m human and humans are social beings. It doesn’t really matter if it’s online or not, we all want to be “liked.”

If I were one of Jesus’ disciples when he walked the earth, Peter and I would become fast friends. He was a very passionate guy who was willing to go the extra mile for Jesus. He jumped out of a boat, walked on the water and promised Jesus his undying devotion.

But when the crowds pushed in and Jesus was walking the way of the cross, someone noticed Peter hiding in the shadows and they called him out as one of Jesus’ disciples. Fear of death and not wanting to walk this hard way that Jesus’ was walking, prompted Peter to deny Jesus three times. (Matthew 26:31-35)

While most of us will not be faced with approvals and denials which have life and death consequences, we are each faced with daily choice to die to ourselves and live for God. We have daily decisions in which we can choose to do God’s will or cater to that need for approval. This need is inherent in every human and accentuated by this new understanding of what it means to be LIKED.

I’m choosing to respond to that nudging need for approval in a similar way that I respond to the wet dog noses that annoy me every day. I give them a firm “don’t,” tell them to “sit and stay” and then deal with my need for approval on my terms and in my time. Spiritually, I seek God’s approval first, before I check my email and Facebook, leaving the smart phone out of the prayer time. And when I fail, by being distracted with likes and dislikes and caring too much what others think, I sit myself down with Jesus to remind me who I am and why I do the things I do.

Then, I hear Jesus’ question to Peter in John 21:
After Peter denies Him, Jesus rises from the dead and says, “Do you love me more than these?”
And I respond like Peter, “You know all things, Lord. You know that I love you.”
To which the Lord replies, “Then feed my sheep.”

I LIKE that!

Eileen Benthal is a writer, speaker and wellness coach with a B.A. in Theology from Franciscan University. She and her husband Steve live in Jamesport and have four young adult children. Their youngest, Johanna, is a teenager with special needs. Eileen can be reached at FreeIndeedFreelance.com.