Kindness — pass it on:
Honoring Barbara Tocci’s legacy

Family and friends gathered at Barbara Tocci’s gravesite in Flanders yesterday for a somber memorial service to honor her legacy on the one-year anniversary of her death in a motor vehicle accident on Flanders Road.

Tocci perished when the driver of a PSEG utility truck lost control of his vehicle and hit her SUV head-on as she traveled to work that morning. Police cited the condition of the pothole-ridden roadway and the driver’s cell phone use as factors in the crash, which is still under investigation, according to authorities.

On Jan. 16, 2014, the 47-year-old Hampton Bays woman, a longtime resident of the Flanders community, was on her way to Riverhead, where she had worked as a title examiner for many years. She never arrived, worrying members of her large extended family in Flanders, who’d heard of the serious accident that shut down Flanders Road that morning.

Their fears were confirmed even before being notified by police when images of the horrific crash began appearing online.

Members of Tocci’s large, close-knit family, many friends and admirers came together yesterday in the Flanders cemetery not far from where she grew up — and not far from the spot in the pock-marked, crumbling roadway where her life ended. Just down the road from the cemetery, a hand-made memorial marks that spot: a photo of Barbara Tocci’s smiling face posted with a heart cut from white  poster board on which is written the simple message, “God Bless Barbara Doll.”

Her father Philip Tocci Sr. yesterday shared a story about that cardboard sign. Philip Tocci Sr. has long fished local waters for crabs and scallops and sold them from a roadside stand on his Flanders Road property. He is known locally as “the crab man.” Last Christmas, he decided he wanted to put a sign by the road that said “Merry Christmas from The Crab Man.” So, he explained, he did what many people often did: He turned to Barbara for help.

She bought the white poster board and made the Merry Christmas sign for him, he recalled. There was cardboard left over and he asked his daughter if she wanted it.

“And Barbara said to me, ‘No you keep it. You might need it,’” he recalled, tears welling in his eyes.

Not long after, he found a heartbreaking use for the poster board his daughter had purchased: the roadside memorial sign.

“And today, when I wanted to make a sign to direct people in here,” he said, “what do you think I find? The last piece of that cardboard that Barbara bought for me. Even today she’s still helping me. I just wanted to share that with you.”

Wiping his eyes with a tissue, the elder Tocci remembered his daughter as a loving person who never raised her voice to him — though, he said, he “gave her plenty of reasons to over the years.”

“How many people show that kind of respect for their fathers?” he asked. “God bless Barbara Doll, that’s all I want to say.”

“The kind of person Barbara was and the kind of family you have is a testament to you, Phil,” Lindsay Reeve said. “I don’t know too many people who raise a family of seven kids that turn out like yours.”

Tocci’s sister-in-law, Kelly, read a memorial she’d written, urging Tocci’s family and friends to celebrate her life by focusing on happy memories and doing good deeds to carry on her legacy.

“We all know that Barbara would not want us to be sad,” Kelly Tocci said. “So let’s remember our best memories, the happy times together — times of laughter, laughing so hard your cheeks hurt. Baking cookies, making meatballs, wrapping presents. Remember her beautiful smile. The way she raised one eyebrow. She was cool,” she said, her voice rising for emphasis.

Then, turning to Bob Bourguignon, the Flanders Fire Department chaplain and longtime family friend, who led a prayer service yesterday, she said, “Excuse me.

“She was badass — when she needed to be,” she said, prompting laughter from Bourguignon and company.

“Remember the joy she brought to our life,” Kelly Tocci said. “Always there to lend a hand or to just listen and be supportive. You might remember a kind word she spoke, a nickname, or a special gesture. Remember them and tuck them away in your heart.”

In honor of her memory and her legacy of kindness, Tocci’s family printed “Random Act of Kindness” cards to urge others to “pass it forward” in Barbara Tocci’s name. The card, intended to be passed on to the recipient of the act of kindness, has Barbara Tocci’s picture on it and reads, “I give you this card to Pass it Forward so another can smile just as you smile now. Enjoy your day!”

The Toccis handed out the cards to people at the service and will continue to distribute them throughout the community, Tocci’s sister, Susan, said. They also created a Facebook group, “Barbara Tocci’s Random Acts of Kindness” to urge people to spread kindness and pass it forward.