Under new management: Diocese enforces rules at St. John’s Cemetery, clears out decorations, perennial plants

Jim Kelly and his family have been visiting relatives’ grave sites at St. John’s Cemetery for decades. But when he stopped by the cemetery the weekend before Easter, he found that his family’s small collection of memorial decorations had been removed without warning.

“We were shocked,” he said. “Everything was gone.”

Memorial items were not just cleared from the graves of Kelly’s relatives; the entire cemetery had been cleaned out.

“We planted a plant there in 2009 when my mother passed away,” Kelly said. “We had a ceramic angel statue that’s been there since 1980, when my father passed away. The funeral home gave us memorial plaques to put at the grave site, and all of them were there.

“But everything was totally gone.”

St. John the Evangelist Church turned over management of its cemetery to the Diocese of Rockville Center last September. The cemetery has technically never allowed plants and decorations according to its rules, but it wasn’t until the diocese began managing the cemetery that those regulations were enforced.

“We have rules for a reason,” said Deacon Al Pickford, who is the customer service manager at the diocese. “We need to balance people’s wishes with keeping the cemetery prayerful and the grounds beautiful and clean.”

He pointed out that decorations and plants can get in the way of maintaining the grounds. “If there’s miscellaneous bric a brac around the graves – little signs, little statues – those things could get run over and either hit somebody or even damage a headstone.”

Kelly said that he understood the cemetery’s need for regulations, but that he was “very aggravated” that the diocese did not warn families before removing their memorial items.

“I asked them where everything went, and they said it was in the garbage,” Kelly said. “They should have given everyone the opportunity to collect their things.”

Pickford expressed regret that the families were not informed beforehand, but said the sweep was necessary in order to begin repairs on the grounds.

“The cemetery was in terrible shape when we took it over,” Pickford said. “The roadways are horrible, the trees are horrible – just one disaster after the next. We had to start working on those things, but after the brutal winter we had, with two feet of snow on the ground, we didn’t have a chance to until recently.”

Many cemeteries regulate what can and cannot be placed near gravestones. St. Isidore’s cemetery, which is the only other Roman Catholic cemetery in Riverhead, clears loose items from gravestones before Christmas and Easter to keep its grounds neat, according to St. Isidore’s parish secretary Reina Bonocore.

“They clean up anything that’s left over so that they can make room for the new season,” Bonocore said. “As long as people are keeping them neat, we’re happy.”

St. Isidore’s does, however, allow perennials near the gravestones, as long as they don’t encroach on other people’s gravestones and they don’t exceed the height of the gravestone.

Pickford said that although the diocese will allow bouquets and annual flowers to be planted, perennials will not be allowed. “Nobody likes rules, but without them, there’s chaos,” he said.

He added that when someone first passes, the diocese tries to be “as lenient as possible.”

“When people are grieving and heartbroken, I’m not going to start quibbling over rules and regulations,” he said. “But after a while, we have to say, okay, we’ve had our peace.”

Pickford added that some people might find different memorials more prayerful than others. “I was walking through one of our cemeteries in Coram, and there were three beer cans on a grave,” he said. “I talked to the people visiting, and they said it was something they liked to do with their friend – that they liked to have a drink with him. It was a sign that they had been there.

“But you don’t know if the person next to him died because of a drunk driver,” he said. “After someone’s death, we as a community need to cherish these people and make sure their mortal remains are taken care of. We need to keep things prayerful.”

Pickford said he contacted Tuthill’s Funeral Home directly on behalf of Kelly’s family to request the funeral home remake the memorial plaques that were thrown away. But those plaques will not be allowed to remain at the grave sites after a few years.

“If it happens, it’s fine,” he said. “But over the course of years, I can’t leave it there. It has to be removed.”

He offered to meet personally with anyone who has any concerns about the cemetery’s maintenance. “I can take a walk with them through the cemetery,” he said. “I’d be happy to explain our reasoning to them.”

Correction: A prior version of this article incorrectly stated that the diocese will not allow plants to be planted near the headstones. The diocese will allow plants, flowers, and bouquets, but not perennials. We regret the error.