Can we have an honest talk about a subject that I know is not easy for most men? No one likes discussing it, but ignoring it doesn’t make the problem go away. This week, it even made me question whether or not my husband has ever really loved me.
The subject is towels and the question is, what is so freaking hard about understanding which towel you’re supposed to use and when you’re supposed to use it? For God sakes, they even have names: bath towel, beach towel, hand towel, and then the subcategories of dog towel, head towel, and guest towel. What other information could a human possibly need to get this straight? And by human, I mean man. What else do we have to do to make this an understandable concept?
One would think that the name, which includes the towel’s designation, would suffice for an explanation. Usually, they’re not even the same size. Beach towels are longer and generally not as wide. Bath towels are always thicker and hand towels, well really, I shouldn’t have to say any more. Clearly, that is not the case at my house. So I’ve added some additional identifiers, to make this simpler.
For over a decade, we have lived in the same house with the same bathroom. During all of these years, our towels have resided under the bathroom sink. The beach towels on the left, the bath towels on the right and the hand towels across the front. This has never deviated. I have never tried to trip up the menfolk by flipping the towels from one side to the other. Left, beach. Right, bath. A freaking decade.
Then there’s the matter of the patterns. I am a traditionalist. My bath towels are solid colored. Mostly, white. I like white bath towels. They project cleanliness. I do have a couple of other colors but THEY ARE ALL SOLID. On the contrary, all of my beach towels have designs; stripes, cartoon characters, multiple colors, BEACH SCENES, etc. They run the gamut of summertime imagery. They are not solid. Ever.
Hand towels are rarely an issue in the area of incorrect towel use, but mostly because they just don’t get used by men in my home. The only problem is when laundry is folded and put away. Without direction, hand towels and kitchen towels have been confused. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, they’re not even in the same color family! Luckily, I’m generally the only one who puts away laundry, so I don’t have to deal with this sort of disaster very often.
Dog towels shouldn’t even come into this conversation. They receive their designation because of obvious degradation from their original state. Dog towels have holes and stains. When there is any possibility that they may be confused with a towel that an actual human might use, I mark it up with a sharpie with words like, “DOG TOWEL.” They don’t even get stored in the bathroom. And yet, I’ve seen people with whom I share my home grab a dog towel from the clean laundry and use it on themselves. Eww.
Head towels used to be a problem, because there was not a big size difference between them and hand towels. I remedied this by purchasing those head wrap things, in bulk, and demoting all former head towels to dog towel status. However, though the shape is quite distinct, the size requires them to be stored with hand towels. Thankfully, I have yet to see anyone drying hands on my hair wrapper, but I’m waiting for that day.
Back when we got engaged, wedding registries were not so high tech and the updating system was rarely able to keep up with people’s shopping. Due to this glitch, Brian and I received several orders of towels. As homeowners with a pool, we (including our children) have often gotten beach towels as gifts. This has amounted to a ridiculous number of towels in our home. Which means there is never a shortage of towels. Even if I am dying with the flu and can’t get to laundry for a week, we have enough towels to make it through. There is never a valid reason to step out of the shower and grab a beach towel. Never.
Brian happened to ask me what I was writing about this week, before I had started writing. I told him I intended to write about towels.
“I’m going to take a shellacking this week.” (Read Brian Nigro’s rebuttal here)
This statement proves that he is aware of his cottony transgressions and yet, he is unrepentant. It also opened up a whole conversation on the topic.
“I hope I get equal representation in this blog. Your insanity should be highlighted.”
“Would you like to write a rebuttal?”
“No, I just want a balanced story.”
“It will be balanced. I will balance your willfully disobedient ways with my rage. Seriously, how hard is it to use a bath towel when you get out of the bath?”
“If you think, for one minute, that when I step out of the shower, dripping wet and cold, and reach into the cabinet for a towel…”
“Stop right there. Why are you reaching into the cabinet AFTER your shower? Why haven’t you pulled the towel out prior to getting in the shower?”
“That’s crazy talk. Who thinks ahead like that?”
“All normal people.”
At this point, he stepped out of the shower and reached under the bathroom cabinet.
“Can I use this towel?”
“No. Never. That is the guest towel. You can tell because it matches the hand towel and the rest of the bathroom decor. Also, it’s the towel that we leave hanging up all the time. That towel is only for use after washing hands and/or faces.”
(I should note here that my definition of guest towel differs slightly from other people’s definition. My guest towels are more like practical towels that also happen to work with the bathroom’s decorative theme. They are not just displayed when we have company. They are everyday towels, but they are ONLY used for bathroom display. They are never for post-shower/bath drying.)
“See? You’re insane. That was an insane statement.”
“It was a perfectly logical response to an insensitive question. You know you can’t use the brown towels. We’ve gone over this many times.”
I then handed him an appropriate bath towel because he was getting the floor all wet.
“This is a brown towel.”
“No. That is a gray-brown towel. It is a very different color,” I held it up next to the brown guest towel, “See? Not even close.”
“That’s it. I’m done. You’re a lunatic,” and he took his gray-brown towel and stormed off.
I knew I’d find that wet towel on my bed in a few minutes. Whatever. At least it wasn’t a freaking beach towel.
I think I should make him cook the laundry detergent next time. Yes, I said cook the laundry detergent. If you want to make your own liquid laundry soap, there’s a little cooking involved. But it’s super cheap and easy. Honest. Give it a try. Naturalthrifty.com has a great recipe.
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.
Write to Laurie:
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