Brian Nigro responds
Weekly, my wife writes a blog. Riverheadlocal.com puts it out on Sundays. Lots of people read it. LOTS of people. She will often shine a light on what I call my “antics” or others would call “complete dysfunction.”
It has gotten to the point where we meet people socially and people will tell Laurie how they love to read her blog. Then they will eye me suspiciously, as if I may do something crazy at any moment. It has all been in fun. Until this week. Towels are not a laughing matter.
Towels are meant to dry stuff and clean up messes. That is it. No need for further categorization. Get out of the shower, grab a freakin’ towel and dry off. What about when you wash your hands? Grab a freakin’ towel (regardless of size or shape) and dry your hands.
Oh, but we need to separate towels used to dry the dogs off, that surely needs to be a different category. No oddly enough if you grab ANY towel and use it to dry off a dog and launder that towel, it will still dry people off!
What about decorative towels, Brian, oh master wizard of towel knowledge? DECORATIVE TOWELS!? That’s like picking a kid last for your team in gym class. Towels want to dry stuff, and yes, ladies, decorative towels dry stuff too, just like any other towel. Use art to decorate your walls.
Subcategories such as beach and bath towels? Just no. Laurie attempts to subcategorize kitchen rags and kitchen towels. LOL. Both of these items perform any towel-like function, much to my wife’s chagrin.
How did this happen? When did the towel become anything more? Research points to post World War II middle class housewives, whacked out on valium. Just kidding. I made that up. The fact of the matter is I have no way of caring how it has come to this.
My purpose for this rebuttal is to make sure towel abuse stops! Towels just want to dry stuff, whether it be your butt, the kitchen floor, your dog, or a dish. We have inalienable towel rights. By “we,” I mean men. Stand up and use them, brothers! Use the first towel you find, for what ever purpose you need at that moment. Your wife/girlfriend cannot yell at you, it’s in the Constitution. (I made that up too!)
Good luck and godspeed,
Brian
Editor’s note: In addition to being Laurie’s husband and soul-mate, Brian Nigro is a sheet metal worker, union leader and avid fisherman. He writes a blog about fishing for the RiverheadLOCAL Outdoors section.
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