Behold: the many faces of betrayal

Last month’s “endless snowstorm” gave me ample time to catch up on my reading and watch some TV. When I scrolled down the On Demand TV menu, the series titled,” Betrayal” struck my fancy. During the fierce weather (or anytime, actually,) I found that books provide safe bedfellows while, the TV series afforded a diversion from my fixation with the weather channel.

That being said, I read an excellent book by Hungarian writer, Sandor Marai, titled, “Embers.” The book was written in 1942 and has been rediscovered to international acclaim. The book centers on a general preparing to receive the man who was once his cherished and closest friend whom he has not seen in 41 years. What made this book provocative was the way the author handled the philosophical and psychological consequence of betrayal.

The TV series, “Betrayal” centered on a family with the usual list of characters: the betrayer, the betrayed, the abused, the abuser, the villain, the heroine and the poor innocents who were caught up in the menagerie. There were, however, a few characters that swung swing back and forth between the pendulum. In my humble opinion, the moral abyss of the human condition was most evident.

Interestingly enough, both the excellent book and sappy series were right on the money describing the carnage caused by betrayal. Studies have shown that those who feel betrayed experience acute stress symptoms similar to, and characteristic of, post-traumatic stress disorder.

And who among us, at one time or another has not felt the anguish of being betrayed?
The trauma evoked by betrayal, either originating from an individual or a set of circumstances manifests in rage, anger, disappointment, sleeplessness, obsessing and isolation, for starters. Then the desire for revenge kicks in, right? And we know that revenge does nothing but add a hefty price to our emotional debt.

I suppose the first kind of betrayal that comes to mind is romantic infidelity by a spouse or partner. When one is betrayed by a partner, the emotions experienced are excessive. Sometimes, the victim hardly recognizes himself because his reaction is so out of sync with his true persona. Oftentimes, the victim blames or questions himself. In short, the victim feels humiliated and pretty damn stupid.

When feeling betrayed, the ego takes an enormous hit and beating up on oneself is commonplace. But before we crack the whip, remember that betrayal says everything about the partner’s inability to be loyal and trustworthy. However, even knowing this, the victim feels a loss of self-esteem and confusion. More than likely, it will influence how the victim will react to the betrayer in the future — if there is a future.

Of all the experiences in life, betrayal by a trusted friend is very difficult to bear. Friendship is based on mutual trust. A friend is supposed to have your back–not stab you in the back. When a friend has loose lips and spills secrets, it usually causes damage. It doesn’t matter what initiated the betrayal, the effect is the same. Betrayal by a friend is like throwing a rock through a beautiful window — all that is left is shards of glass. We cannot put back the pieces; either start anew and metaphorically put in a new window or your best friend may become may become your worst enemy.

Many business partnerships are severed by betrayal. When the victim becomes aware of her partner’s trickery, she is hit with an avalanche of emotions. Read the newspaper or look to your own community, these betrayals are commonplace. Some unscrupulous folks with an eye on greed will lie, cheat and rob the victim of her life’s work and savings — without batting an eye. And to add insult to injury, the betrayer may take the center stage and accept kudos for a job well done!

Betrayals of a personal nature, be it a lover, partner or friend can be salvaged and making amends is possible. The victim is almost always blindsided by the magnitude of the deception and usually finds that their trust is eroded. There is truth in what the New York Times bestselling author David Levithan has to say: “It was a mistake you said, but the cruelest thing was it felt like the mistake was mine for trusting you.”

The “circumstance” betrayals are just as difficult.

How many of us have felt betrayed by our elected officials when they put the petty partisan politics before the welfare of their constituents? When I watch Congress act like a bunch of babies in dirty diapers, I feel anger, disgust, frustration and the irrational urge to jump up and down and shout profanities at the TV.

Many of us have felt betrayed by life itself. When life twists on us, we are called to face challenges that seem insurmountable. I can only relate to my experience of finding myself widowed for the second time in twelve years. There is no way to prepare for the deep pain that shatters the heart when a loved one dies.

The most damaging betrayal is when we deceive our true selves and serve the false self by compromising our standards to gain love, attention or approval. We cause suffering for ourselves when we cling to illusions and ignore reality. We abuse our bodies with unhealthy diets and alcohol. We sit back quietly when we witness blatant racism and sexism or turn a deaf ear when called to defend the truth. When we betray ourselves it strikes deep within our souls—and most times we know it.

Betrayals come in different guises; they are the big bombs in our lives. They can bring us to our knees; but, who wants to crawl through life? When we feel ready to accept what has happened, then it’s time to forgive — truly forgive. Forgive the person — although we may need to sever or modify the relationship; forgive the circumstance — of which we have no control. But most importantly, we need to forgive ourselves.

There is something about the way the universe works — the tighter we hold on, the less we have. Life is about going forward. When we realize that what we are holding on to no longer serves us, it’s time to turn the page.

You’ll know when the time is right; trust your gut and listen to your heart. This is where the real magic begins. Hmm. Today seems like a good day as any for me to turn the page. How about you?

Celia Iannelli is a native New Yorker enjoying a second career — in ‘retirement’ — as a freelance writer. She lives in Jamesport.