The freight train in our bedroom: (Not) sleeping with a snoring spouse

I am married to a man who could win an Olympic gold medal in snoring, if such a category existed. The noise is terrible and goes on without end. I am often amazed, and always enraged, at the volume he can reach.

When our children were small and required bedtime stories and tucking in, I would occasionally ask dad to step in and be their Morpheus. However, it was often an exercise in futility, because after only a few minutes, a pajama clad child, groggy and obviously overtired, would tramp down the stairs and find me.

“Mommy, daddy’s snoring so loud I can’t sleep. Can I just sleep in your bed?” The pleading was pitiful and genuine. I felt their pain. I’d spent countless wakeful nights wondering if a pillow over the man’s face would really kill him. I mean, it seems a fairly porous material. And honestly, I didn’t want him dead. I just wanted him to shut the hell up.

I tried many tactics for snoring cessation. I suggested he sleep on his side. No dice, that position caused shoulder pain. I purchased those sticker strips for the bridge of your nose that are supposed to open up nasal passages and eliminate snoring. It was like putting a bandaid on a gushing jugular vein. There were homeopathic pills and herbal remedies. None even paused the incessant sawing. I poked him in the ribs and kicked him in the shins (gently, of course.)

At last, I resorted to sticking my finger in his ear. This method worked like a charm. No one enjoys this feeling and he would wake with a start. The key to success though, was quickly closing my eyes and feigning ignorance when he awoke. Oddly, he would get a little peeved when I employed this tactic. Seriously? ‘Cause I haven’t slept through the night in nearly 20 years. I think it’s only fair that he deals with a momentary discomfort. I swear, I never lick my finger first, though it has crossed my mind.

I’m not completely heartless here. For years and years, I’ve been suggesting he get checked out. I even went so far as to try and make an appointment at a sleep clinic a few years back. They needed a referral. I told him to ask his doctor, but that never happened.

One fateful afternoon, I was chatting with a couple of my friends and was surprised and amazed to hear that they accompany their husbands on doctors visits. This was all new to me. What a brilliantly simple way to impart information to my husband’s healthcare provider — information that he would surely not divulge if left to his own devices.

I made the appointment and followed him right into that exam room. And lo and behold, it turns out the physician had no idea that snoring was an issue in our house. Somehow, this little detail had never seemed important enough for my husband to share. And within days, he was scheduled for a sleep study.

The snoring issues here go a little further then just being annoying. My beloved spouse clearly suffers from sleep apnea. There are seconds-long stretches when he is just not breathing. At all. The finger in his ear thing is a game changer when this happens. Really, I should be praised for saving his life.

So it was no surprise to me when the sleep study diagnosis was returned: severe sleep apnea. The doctor informed him that his apnea began immediately after he achieved asleep. The report showed that in seven hours, he woke over 30 times — 30 times!

And it turns out, sleep apnea affects short-term memory. So it seems that all those times I asked him to do something and he promptly forgot, he wasn’t actually looking for a divorce, he truly forgot.

The next step is getting fitted for the sleep appliance he will have to wear each night, forever. I don’t have a full understanding of what it will look like, but from what I can gather, I will now be sleeping with Darth Vader. Whatever. As long as he breathes quietly and forgoes the cape, I’m good with that.

If you too, suffer alongside a snoring beast, I highly recommend getting that checked out. After the diagnosis, I asked my husband what the doctor said about long-term risks, “I don’t know. He said it wasn’t good. He told me to Google it.” What?! A licensed physician suggested that instead of answering your questions, you should rely on internet medical advice?! Perhaps this man should be reported to the AMA.

“Well, no, I mean, he said it’s linked to strokes and heart disease, too.” And this is why I should have followed the sage advice of my brilliant female friends and joined him for the follow-up visit. Remember, short-term memory loss.

If you can’t get your counterpart to try a little side sleeping and he/she is resistant to having a half of a tennis ball sewn onto the back of his/her pajamas (no really, I’ve thought about it) to keep from back sleeping, there are some natural remedies for snoring. Just be sure the snoring doesn’t have an underlying cause, like sleep apnea or obesity. Those issues need to be treated by a medical professional.

The tennis ball thing is a real solution. Back sleeping facilitates snoring. But if that’s a bit much for you, you can also try propping up the head with a few extra pillows. This helps to open the airways and ease snoring.

For many snoring sufferers, a mouthguard is a great solution. A dentist can fit you for one, but that can be very pricey. You can also buy an over-the-counter option. According to MSN, “You boil it and then fit it into your mouth to create an impression of your teeth and dental structure. The goal is the same: to bring your lower jaw forward a bit to make the back of your throat less crowded.”

If snoring is caused by a stuffed up nose, try a humidifier. Moist air encourages sinuses to drain. Put a little vapor balm on for an added benefit. You can buy a natural ones from a variety of sources. Badger brand is one of my favorites for just about everything and they make Aromatic Chest Rub. You can also get Bella B Little Bee Rub, Soothing Chest Rub. It’s especially well-suited for little ones. Tea Tree Therapy makes Eucalyptus Chest Rub, another good option.

Of course, you can always make your own. Rosemary Gladstar has an awesome recipe. I find that it works really well for clearing nasal passages and have had repeated requests for the finished product.

Vapor Balm

1 part lobelia
1 part mullein
1 part hops
beeswax and olive oil

Steep the herbs in the oil. Heat together with the beeswax until it has reached desired consistency. It will cool to a much harder texture so be sure to leave it quite liquid. A good test is to put a spoon in the mixture and then let it cool to room temperature. The balm on the spoon will be what you’ll end up with.
Remove from heat and add to containers (I like half cup glass pots).
Then add a few drops of essential oil of wintergreen, cloves, menthol and camphor. Let cool.

Care to vent about your snoring disrupted sleep? I’m here for you at laurie@riverheadlocal.com.

UPDATE: I should have noted that many of the medical solutions for snoring (ie: oral devices) may be covered by insurance. Check with you insurance provider!

Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street. Contact her by email to laurie@riverheadlocal.com.